Real Talk With Myself

 

This world has a problem, and as I get older, I am beginning to think it is my job to draw attention to it. What’s this problem, you ask?
Judging everyone based on their weight. 

While I have already touched on this before, let me tell you a story. I was recently at Meet the Teacher Night meeting the parents of the 200 kids I will be teaching every day, when a parent comes in and has this conversation with me:

“When are you due?”
“I’m not pregnant.”
“Sure you are. Look at you.”
“No really, I’m not pregnant.”
“You can’t tell me that you sleep at school. You must go home to your husband sometime. Quit lying.”
“Seriously, I am not pregnant.”
“Oh. Well then you either need to lose weight or quit lying about being pregnant.”

THIS CONVERSATION HAPPENED IN FRONT OF A GROUP OF PEOPLE I HAD NEVER EVEN MET! Needless to say, I was mortified.

So let me say this for women everywhere… If I don’t tell you personally that I am expecting a child… don’t ask me if I am pregnant. What if I had just had a miscarriage, or what if I was having complications with the pregnancy?  What if I was pregnant, but I didn’t want to tell anyone yet? WHAT IF I’M NOT PREGNANT?!?!

So thanks, random parent, for altering my dysfunctional relationship with food. Now all I can think when I eat something is “Will this make me look fat?” I hate that about myself, and I am trying to change it. But let’s face it, a woman’s relationship with food is based on the way she looks. It starts at such an early age, too. I have noticed it with some of my junior high girls, and I always try to mention and model healthy eating habits. But how in the world can I give advice when I am struggling with the same thing? The fact is that when I have a bad day, all I want to do is eat an entire package of Mega Stuffed Oreos, drink a whole lot of dr. pepper, and hide from the world. Then after I do that, I feel guilty for days and eat nothing but salad for a week.

This isn’t healthy, but it’s honest. I bet if you ask any woman, she will tell you a similar story. It’s hard enough being a woman who isn’t stick skinny. It’s even harder being a woman when people point out that you aren’t skinny. (As if you didn’t already know, since you can’t find clothes that fit in any store.)

So my version of realtalk today is starting with myself. Maybe if I can be honest with myself about my relationship with food, and my relationship with my weight, I can be helpful to my kids at school. So starting today, I am starting the “Love Yourself” challenge. I will no longer worry about “good and bad” foods, but I will think about which foods will allow me to live the life I want. I won’t worry about being skinny, I will worry about being grateful for my body and all that it can do. Maybe if I learn to be happy with my body, conversations like ones from the other night won’t make me freak out. Maybe I will want to have my picture taken. Maybe I will want to go swimming more often, and be confident in a swimsuit.

So here is to the new me…. and to the “Love Yourself” Challenge!
#realtalk2014

 

 

Babies Babies Babies

Picture this:

You are a married, 27 year old woman. You begin a conversation with a stranger, and then, out of no where, in the middle your conversation……

BAM!!!!

It happens.

“So, do you want kids? Are you trying to get pregnant?”

….awkward silence…..

Seriously, this has happened to me more this year than any other year I have been alive.

Sometimes I respond with “Well, if it happens, great, but if not that’s great, too.” 
Or….
“I am not home enough to have a child. I would like to be present to parent my own kid.”
Other times I respond with “No. I see enough kids at school. I enjoy the peace and quiet in my home.”

However, what I really want to respond with is “No. Your demon child running around destroying all of creation is all I need as a reminder that I firmly believe in birth control.”

However, of all these responses, what my husband wants me to say is my favorite.
“So, do you not want to have kids, or what?” says a random stranger.
“Not with you, creepy!” he tells me to reply.

He really doesn’t understand. No one goes around asking men “Hey man, did you knock up your wife lately? Oh, no? Well why not?”

When did it become socially acceptable to ask women if they wanted children, and to make them defend their answers? I should not have to defend my answer. What if I couldn’t get pregnant for a medical reason? What if just had a miscarriage? You and your judgmental self should feel horrible for making women endure this kind of questioning day after day. No woman owes an explanation to anyone except the father of her future child.

The next annoying conversation I get to have quite frequently is this:

“Do you want kids?” Says annoying judgmental person
“No, not really.” I say.
“Oh. I said that, too. You will change your mind. Look at my great kids… don’t you want some of your own?” answers annoying judgmental person.

You know what? I might change my mind. I might not. I might also grow 5 legs and a tail. If I do, NONE OF THAT IS YOUR BUSINESS!!!If I want a kid, it’s my business. 

So for once and for all, here is my answer:

Question: Do you want to have children?
Answer: Are you going to help me provide for my kid? Pick them up from day care? Take them to the doctor for shots, illnesses, broken bones, dentist appointments, football practice, dance practice, band practice, or whatever else they decide they are interested in? Are you going to help pay for their college education? ARE YOU GOING TO PERSONALLY PUSH SOMETHING THAT IS THE SIZE OF A WATERMELON OUT OF A HOLE THAT IS THE SIZE OF A GRAPE?

If you answered yes to any of the questions above, then CONGRATULATIONS, you can talk to me about having a child. If not, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.

#realtalk2014

Band Camp and Back to School

If you have known me for more than 5 minutes, you know that I am a band nerd at heart. I can sit and talk about music for hours, and not get bored. I can play multiple instruments, and I am always on the internet looking up new teaching methods, ways to decorate my classroom, or new ideas to put into practice for the new year.

Last week we had band camp at Texas A&M Commerce. While we were there, we got to visit with Scott Lang. Scott Lang used to be a band director, but now he goes to schools throughout the country to discuss how important band is to our students. I have heard him a few times, but one of the major things that stuck with me was that band teaches our students to do something “over and over and over and over and over and over and over” If it is wrong, we do it over again until we can get it right. If it is right, we do it until we can’t get it wrong.

Usually around this time of the year, I am dreading back to school. Don’t get me wrong….I love my students. LOVE them. I wouldn’t be in this profession if I didn’t. In fact, I probably would have quit my first year of teaching if it weren’t for my kids, because this profession is STRESSFUL! However, once we get past band camp and I am back at the junior high, in my band hall, I usually feel overwhelmed. I want to make this next year perfect for my kids. I want to get straight 1’s at every contest we go to. I want to make sure that my kids turn into great players, have fun, and learn something about themselves along the way. Somehow, in order for all of that to happen, the first day of school has to be perfect. However,  it dawned on me this morning, how much time do I spend making everything perfect for the first day of school, when I should be worried about the other 179 days I have to teach? It seems like Scott Lang’s message is perfect for this situation… do something over and over and over and over again, until you can’t get it wrong. However, as a teacher, I have never felt like I can’t get it wrong. I always feel like there is a better way to explain things, more communication with parents I could do, more cross curricular planning that could happen. All of this has to be done on the first day of school, or else the rest of the year will be a complete waste! (Ask any teachder how important the first day of school is, they will tell you the same thing!)

Then it hit me… the first day of school is 1 day! Just one day out of 180. Maybe I should worry more about the other 179, and less about 1 day. After all, classroom management is a process that happens over time. Beginners learn how to play one day at a time. I don’t expect them to play grade 5 music in one day, so why am I expecting my perfect year to be built in one day? My expectations need to change!

So this month I am going to spend less time worrying about the first day of school, and more time getting prepared for the other 179 days I have to teach. Maybe if I do it “over and over and over and over” again, I will finally get to where I can teach without doing it wrong. What a great day that will be!

 

I used to love these!

Back when the internet first came around, I used to love doing these things. We are going old school my friends….

A – Accidents

01. Have you ever been in a car accident? Sadly, yes.

02. Do you have a lot of scars? I have one from my sister’s cat! Ironically, the name of the cat is Mercy….

03. Have you ever been in a fist fight with someone? Only my sisters!

04. Have you ever seriously hurt anyone by mistake? Nope!

05. Have you ever had stitches? Where? No stitches for me!

B – Beauty

06. Do you consider yourself beautiful? That’s a hard question. I am grateful for my body. It has allowed me to do a lot of wonderful things!

07. Are you self conscious of how you look? I don’t have to be. My students tell me if I look “ratchet”

08. Do you put on a lot of makeup? I love makeup

09. Would you ever consider getting plastic surgery? yes, but I would not do it. I am such a baby!

10. What do you think makes a person beautiful? Their personality!

C – Consequences

11. What was the longest amount of time you’ve been grounded for? I was literally grounded for an entire summer… I was only grounded one day at a time, but I did something every day to get grounded for the next day.

12. What would you do if you got pregnant, keep it or have an abortion? Keep it! (My mother would probably go crazy with happiness!)

13. Do you ever think about how your actions affect other people? All the time

14. What do you think is the worst punishment someone could give you? That’s a hard one! Probably watching someone suffer because of something I did in the end.

15. What is one thing you wish you didn’t do, just because it wasn’t worth it in the end? Texting when I was a teenager and it was ten cents a message. I racked up quite a few very expensive cell phone bills!!!

D – Dealing

16. When you are mad at someone, how do you show them? I don’t speak to them until I know exactly what I want to say… and how I want to say it!

17. Name a time when you had to be strong…. I don’t think y’all want to read a novel for this post, so we will save this one for a later date…

18. Have you ever dealt with a divorce or parents fighting? Thank goodness, I have not had to deal with that.

19. When people at school don’t accept you, or have problems with you, how do you react? Well, since I am a teacher, I have to be a grown up about it.

20. Have you ever lost someone to death? Explain how you got through it. Once again… we will save that one for another post.

E – Experience

21. Have you ever had a job? I worked at Kroger, Home Depot, taught multiple band camps, and now I am a teacher!

22. Do you think that you are wise, or not at all? I think that the more I go through life, the more I realize I don’t know anything.

23. Have you gone through a lot emotionally, or has life been easy thus far? I have had challenges like everyone else.

24. Do you think you are ready to be on your own (have your own home, job, etc.)? I hope so!

25. How old do you act? It depends on the situation. If I am at school I probably act like I am 50. When I am at home, I like the act like the 20 something I am!

F – Family

26. Is there anyone in your family you don’t talk to? Why? Unfortunately for them, I talk to everyone!

27. If you had to choose, family or friends? Family!

28. Can you tell your parents or one of your parents anything? Of course!

29. Do you have any siblings? If so, do you ever get jealous of them? I have two beautiful sisters. I am always jealous of how beautiful, intelligent and talented they are.

30. How often do you spend ‘quality time’ with family members? All the time!!!!

G – Growing

31. How tall are you? How tall do you wish you were? I am barely 5’1″. I wish I was at least 5’5″, but you can’t have everything!

32. Do you think that you have grown more in the past year than any year before that? Of course not!

33. As a person, do you think you are mature for your age or still act childish? A little bit of both

34. Are you scared to think that one day you will turn 30, then 40, then 50? I am terrified to turn 30!

35. Do you believe you still have a lot to learn? YES!!!

H – Hope

36. Love – real or not? Very real 🙂

37. Are you a pessimist of an optimist? I think I am realist.

38. Do you believe in fate, that everything happens for a reason, or do you think that our actions lead the way? a little bit of both

39. Do you think that after we die our spirit is still alive? Yes

40. What gives you hope when you just feel like dying? My husband and my family, and of course, music!

I – Issues

41. Do you suffer from depression or constant sadness/loneliness? I get lonely from time to time.

42. Do you have any type of disease or disability? No

43. Are you currently in a hard relationship or have bad luck with the opposite sex? I am currently married and loving it!!!

44. Do you think that you are alone in this world? Nope!

45. How often do you think about death, suicide or running away? I think about running away all the time! Mexico… Fiji… a warm beach somewhere… 🙂

J – Jokes

46. Say a word or phrase that would not be funny to anyone but you & one of your friends (an inside joke) MRAWR!

47. Are you usually the one who makes people laugh,Or the other way around? I try to make people laugh

48. Do you cry when you laugh hard? sometimes

49. Write down a hilarious moment you had with someone that makes you laugh to this day! I have too many to mention!

50. Do you ever get in trouble for laughing or talking a lot during class? ALWAYS! I am always in trouble for talking, even as an adult!!!

K – Knowledge

51. The purpose of school: to learn, to cause trouble or to hang out with friends? all three 😉

52. Do people refer to you as smart, dumb, or average? I hope people thing I am smart!

53. What was the highest grade you have received (full course mark) ever? I made a 106 in a multicultural poetry class I attended 1 time in high school.

54. What was your last average? This year would you like to maintain it or aim higher? This doesn’t apply to me

55. What do you find the most interesting subject to be (to study or to talk about)? Music

L – Love

56. Are you currently in love? If not, have you been before? YES!

57. Do people around you show you a lot of love (tell you they love you, hug you, kiss you, etc.)?
My husband does all the time
58. Is love worth it? Worth what? Love is easy! If it’s not easy, it’s not right.

59. Do you hate it when girls in their young teenage years say they ‘love’ someone that they’ve been dating for a few months? I think that comes with experience. Every girl has to learn in her own way what love really means.

60. Does it take a lot for you to say you love someone, or is it just a word? It takes a lot of trust for me to tell someone I love them!

M – Money

61. Do you believe that money makes the world go round? I like to think that money doesn’t matter to good people.

62. Is your family on the poor side, average, or above average when it comes to money? I feel like I have enough money to pay my bills, and I am grateful for it.

63. Are you saving up for college/university, or planning to? I would love to get a masters degree, but I would love to have someone else pay for it.

64. Would you rather win millions of dollars & be set for life, or find the perfect person to marry & start a family with? I have already found the perfect person… so hopefully winning the lottery comes next!

65. On a scale of 1-10, how important is money to you? It is a necessary evil.

****WE ARE SKIPPING THE NEXT SECTION… IT IS INAPPROPRIATE***

O – Openness

71. How long does it take for you to open up to someone? Longer than it used to.

72. What does it take for you to fully trust someone? For someone to help me in a crisis situation.

73. Are you generally untrusting towards people because of past experiences, or any other reason? I am generally pretty trusting.

74. When are you comfortable with someone? When I feel like that person will accept me, no matter what I say.

75. When it comes to parents and close friends, what’s the limit of what you can tell them? I tell my sisters everything!

P – Positive

76. Have you ever had an experience with someone that didn’t necessarily end positively? If so, would you rather erase the memory of that person because of the sad times or keep the memory of that person because of the good times? Right now I would like to erase the memory, but I am sure that with time, that will change.

77. Do you agree with the saying: better to have loved and lost than not have loved at all? Not at the moment.

78. Are you more optimistic or pessimistic? What do you try to be? I am optimistic when it comes to people, I am pessimistic when it comes to logistics.

79. Do you agree that something good can come out of everything? Yes.

80. Have you ever had a time where something really bad happened, but something really good happened because of it? If so, please exlain what it was: Not really.

Q – Questions

81. When faced with a problem, do you ask for help or try to figure it out yourself? Both

82. Do you often question the world and how we came about? What are some things you would like to know about creation? Yes. I would like to know why these 3 things were invented.
-fire ants
-june bugs
-mosquitos

83. Do you think the government is truthful? If you could ask the president one question, what would it be? I don’t think the government is truthful, because most people act irrationally. My question would be: Why is it that the government is cutting budgets for students and schools at a time when we need the most help?

84. When someone does something wrong to you, do you confront them and ask them why they did it or just let it go? a little bit of both

85. What is one unsolved mystery about the world that you want answers to? I want to know why june bugs were created!

R – Respect

86. How do you show respect? by using good manners!

87. What can someone do for you to lose all respect for them? Lie.

88. Do you respect your teachers, parents, and other authority figures? yes..

89. When you are disrespectful to your parents, what is the punishment? usually I got grounded.

90. If someone is mean to you, are you mean back or do you kill them with kindness? I just don’t speak to them.

S – School

91. If you are still in school, what grade will you be going into? Not applicable to me

92. When will you graduate high school/college? Graduated high school in 2005, and college in 2010.

93. After high school, what did you do/are you planning to do? I went to college and loved my time there.

94. Do you like or hate school? What do you like/hate about it? I loved it.

95. Have you ever been suspended, expelled, or dropped out of school? No!

T – Temptation

96. Have you ever done something wrong, knowing it was wrong, because something inside of you said it was okay?Yes

97. Has anyone ever pressured you to smoke or drink? Did you do it? I never really had to deal with that.

98. Did you ever kiss someone? Obviously.

99. Did you ever want to do something you knew you shouldn’t? Of course!

100. Do you give in to temptation easily, or are you more independent and strong willed? I like to think I am strong willed.

U – Unique

102. Do you do a lot of things because your friends are doing it?No

103. Do you follow trends, wear whatever you want, or wear really unique pieces? I love to wear different stuff than everyone else

104. Do you give in easily to peer pressure? no!

105. What makes you different from people your age? I don’t go out that often, and I have few friends my age.

V – Value

106. What’s the most expensive thing in your room? my clarinet

107. What’s more valuable: your life or the lives of your loved ones? Would you sacrifice your life for other people? The lives of my loved ones. I would do absolutely anything for them!!!

108. What is something you value not because it cost a lot, but because it means a lot to you? My college degree

109. If there was a fire in your house/apartment, what is the first thing you would grab? Gus! Then my clarinet.

110. Do you think past memories and experiences are more valuable than what could possibly happen in the future? not necessarily

W – Wishes

111. If you had three wishes, what would they be?

-to have enough money for my family to live comfortably for the rest of our lives
– to make a positive difference in the world
-to have a pet koala

112. Would you rather wish yourself to be happy, or your loved ones? I wish everyone was happy!

113. Do you believe that wishes come true if you really believe in them? Yes!

114. Have you ever had a wish come true? If so, what was that wish? One time I wished I would get a text message from a friend who stopped talking to me. Then I did!

115. Do you find wishing for things a waste of time because everything that’s meant to happen, will happen? No!

Y – You

121. Are you more independent or social? independent

122. What is something that makes you very mad when you see it? cruelty

123. Do you think that you have potential to do great things? I hope so!

124. What kind of person would you be if you didn’t have guidance from family members, God, teachers, etc.? Do you think people are born a certain way, or develop their personalities based on what they go through in life? I would be a terrible person. I am very grateful for my band teachers from high school. I am beyond grateful for my parents and my sisters, because they made me who I am. I think your personality is based on what you experience in life.

125. Do you think people are generally good? Yes

Z – Zest

126. Are you currently happy with your life? Why or why not? Yes. I am married to my best friend, I have the job I have always wanted, and a great family!

128. When change occurs, do you get scared or are you excited for it? Scared

129. Do you like to try new things, meet new people? Yes

130. What is the most motivational thing in the world? Someone telling me I can’t do something. #gameon

chubby hobbits

Here is my thought for the day:

There is no intro to this post that can prepare you for what I have to say: so…. Enjoy. 🙂

The Story of My Afternoon

We were on our way back from our last trip of the summer, and we were getting back early enough for me to pick up some items that I needed for school. This included tennis shoes for marching band, jeans, clothes for band camp, etc. Nothing crazy, Nothing that should be hard to find.  The search for shoes went great! I got some great adidas running shoes for $40 at Academy, and I love them! They are bright pink, and these shoes make me so happy!

That’s when things went down hill. We went from Academy to T.J. Maxx (Because really, who wants to spend hundreds of dollars on clothes?!?) where I found NOTHING in my size. Let’s be honest, I’m a little chunky, but I am not necessarily so chunky that the entire clothing industry has stopped making clothes for me. Frustrated, we left, and went to J.C.Penny.

Things went from bad to worse… I literally found nothing. NOTHING that was my size. Either the jeans were too long, or too small in the waist. The pants I like to wear for marching band (Gotta keep the clothing respectable, I am a teacher, after all) were all priced for $50.00 or more.

However, what infuriated me the most was the fact that there is no common size for women’s clothes. I am one size at Target. Another size at Maurices (and gentleman, we aren’t talking close sizes, here either. I can be a small in one store, and 18 in another store, a 33 in a different store, and a 6 in the last store.) HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO CHOOSE WHAT SIZE TO TRY ON?!?!? I must have tried on a million pairs of jeans. None of them fit. You could have called me Goldilocks. “This pair is too big, this pair is too small, this pair won’t zip, this pair won’t stay up. This pair has 15 inches of material at the bottom of my feet, making me look like a chubby hobbit.)

I lost it. We left. I made it outside to the car before I burst into tears. My poor husband was so confused. One minute he was on his phone checking facebook, and the next moment I am balling in the parking lot like a teenaged girl who lost her Iphone. I am always trying to be a good role model for my girls at school. I always say “Size doesn’t matter, weight is just a number, you are more than the number on the scale.” Today I forgot all of that and just went into “toddler who lost their balloon” melt down mode. I totally get why my girls at school spend so much time worrying about their weight and their appearance. It is mentally/physically exhausting trying to find clothes that fit.

I teach junior high. I wish I had the answer for these girls that come into my room crying on Monday morning because they can’t find anything to wear. I wish I could help make them feel better. I guess the only thing I can say is that I completely understand… it is frustrating, aggravating, annoying, and irritating for women everywhere. I guess all I can say to these beautiful girls is “Welcome to the club!” and give them something like this to think about.

So as I get ready to start a new school year, maybe I needed a reminder of what my job is really meant for. I can teach music, I can teach social skills, I can teach kids how to take tests, but what I really became a teacher is to help girls like me avoid feeling like I did today. Let’s all hope tomorrow is a better day!

No more excuses

On Wednesday I finished reading a novel called “The Storyteller” by Jodi Picoult. I usually love her novels from the first word and read them non-stop to the last word on the last page. However, this novel really affected me more than any story I have ever read in my life. The story is about a girl who goes through the tragic loss of her mother. She attends a grief support group and meets this man who asks her for a huge favor. While this storyline is crucial to the novel, I won’t get into it on my blog. What really got me, however, was the story within the story….

When I picked up the book to read, I didn’t realize it was also a story about a girl, named Minka, who survives a concentration camp. Her family is torn apart when she lived in the grotto and during her time in Auschwitz. The writing was so descriptive that I felt like I was a part of her story, and an overwhelming sadness came over me as I was reading it. Minka was so strong, but the novel explores the feelings that come with having your family torn apart (one of my biggest fears in my life) and the fact that there are two sides to every story. Later you go on to hear part of Minka’s story through the eyes of the SS Officer who was at the camp and saved Minka’s life. Although he is still guilty of committing some of the worst tragedies you can imagine, it really makes you think of the phrase “There are two sides to every story.”

That night after I finished the novel I was going through Netflix. I was trying to find some entertainment for the night to get my mind off of the novel. I stumbled across a movie that my kids at school had recommended to me. The movie is called “The Boy in the Striped Pajamas” and it was also about a concentration camp. (I really didn’t intend to watch such a sad movie after reading a book about the same subject, it was just an accident. I figured my kids had watched it, so how sad/violent/upsetting could it be?)
LET ME TELL YOU, I HAVE NEVER CRIED SO MUCH IN MY LIFE. I haven’t slept well since seeing this movie and reading this book. I won’t give any spoilers, but the way the kids were treated in that movie broke my heart.

So with the combination of this movie, and this book, I have had all of these thoughts swirling around in my brain. As I am watching the news, reading people’s comments on facebook on various articles, and listening to the radio, I started asking myself, “Why is it that we are accepting this unkindness from people in our society today?” One of the MANY complex reasons that tragedies like September 11, The Holocaust, genocides, the war on women in our own country, and hatred towards those with mental/physical disabilities happens is because we constantly make excuses for the way people behave.

I am 100% over it. I am so tired of hearing an excuse for every hateful comment that we hear these days.

A racist comment is made and then we hear “Well, that’s how my generation was raised.” (Really, you are how old?!? Once you are an adult, you can decide for yourself right and wrong. Get over it and use your own brain to make decisions and decide what is right!)

A mentally challenged kid is in a store and someone says “That kid is an abomination. That mother must have done something wrong in life to have had a child life that.” (Sadly, I actually heard that exact statement made when I was working at Kroger. That probably broke my heart more than anything I have heard in my life. Mental/physical disabilities are usually not the fault of the mother, and we should support these moms, not add to their challenges.)

When did our society become so jaded, so mean and hateful, that we hate anyone that is remotely different from us?  What makes me even more angry than the awful things people say are the UNACCEPTABLE excuses that these people have for saying these things. “We were raised in another generation… That’s what the Bible says… That’s just how people are…”

Maybe instead of making excuses for the ignorant people in our society, we should start calling the excuse makers out, and start explaining that everyone is equal. We should start placing the blame on the people who are making such incredibly harmful statements, and stop putting the blame on the victims. Our world needs more people who are willing to stand up and fight intolerance with common sense and logic. While it may be too late to change the minds of some people, we have the opportunity to change the minds of our students in our schools, and maybe even change the way a future generation sees our world.

After all what’s the worst that can happen? Our society becomes more accepting, the level of racism decreases, and the level of hatred for those that are “different” decreases, too? Maybe if more people called out the excuse makers, we could all live in a happier, safer world. Who doesn’t want that?

#realtalk2014

Music

Sometimes I feel like I cannot accurately describe what I am feeling. This both frustrates and bewilders me, and I spend days trying to come up with exactly the right words to say it…

When I was in 6th grade, I joined band. I played clarinet because that’s what my mama played. I guess I was an okay player, I never really took an interest in playing particularly well. Playing an instrument was just a means to an end. I did, however, take an interest in the social part of band. (Just like my mama) I loved being in the band office, listening to my teachers talk. They all seemed so smart, and I felt like I learned more about the world in the 10 minutes I was in there than I did the entire day at school. I loved seeing my band friends all day, every day, even during the summer, thanks to band camp.

When I went to college, I ended up at UNT, in Denton, Texas. It was literally a whole new world. I had never been in a place where I was immersed in music 24 hours a day. I could go to restaurants and hear live music daily. I went to too many concerts to count. Everything was different. I went to operas, orchestra concerts, concert band concerts, country music, rock, pop, acoustic. Every type of music was at my finger tips, and I took full advantage of it. I met so many wonderful people and learned so many new things. I fell in love with that town, and the people in it.

Now I am a music teacher, which is all I have really wanted to do since high school. I went through 5 years of college at one of the best colleges of music in the country (CAW!) but ever since I have moved here, I have felt like something was missing. If you follow me on facebook, you know that we went to the Pentatonix concert on Saturday. It was a free concert, and 90,000 people attended. About halfway through the hour and half long concert, I realized what I had been missing. LIVE MUSIC!

This year I have been fortunate enough to see the Blue Man Group and the Pentatonix, plus a billion concerts at the TMEA conference we go to in February. I think listening to live music makes me a better musician, and it fills my heart with joy. I love watching people perform. There is something so incredible about watching someone be vulnerable on stage, and showing off what they have worked for, in the hopes that the audience will like it.

I think that is what I have been missing for the last few years. My goal from now on is to go to as many concerts as possible. Who wants to go?

A pet peeve… and a book review.

If you know me, you know that I tend to get worked up about certain things. I tend to go into what my parents call “terrier mode” which is a bad mood that cannot be stopped. Look out world, I am in that mood right now!

Here are a few of my pet peeves in life:

1.) People who think they are better than anyone else, when they are actually spoiled/lazy.
2.) Stupid people who have opinions that are not based on fact.
3.) People who tell me (or anyone else) they can’t do something, or are stupid for trying…

Friends, today we are going to discuss #3.

I went to the University of North Texas, which is known for it’s College of Music. While I was there, most of my teachers were WONDERFUL. They were always helpful, inspiring, and understanding. However, I did have one teacher who I still think is the scum of the earth to this day. This teacher (who shall remain nameless) told me to my face “You should not become a teacher. You will never be successful. You should just quit now and save yourself the embarrassment of failing in public… No one is ever going to hire you, and you will always be one of the worst teachers in your field.” YUP. YOU READ THAT RIGHT. EVERY SINGLE WORD OF THAT WAS SAID TO ME BY A TEACHER. (I still made an A in that class, in case you were wondering.)

Fast forward 5 years… I am a teacher who has great kids and who has never been happier. This proves one thing: If you tell me I can’t do something, I am going to prove you wrong. It has proven to be either my greatest strength as a person, or my greatest weakness.

So today, dear readers, I had a similar situation happen. I will spare you the details (it was not about my career choice, but another choice I had made.) However, I do want to make this clear….

If I want your opinion on what I am doing, I will ask you for it. I have a very close circle of wonderful friends who I respect, admire, and seek advice/opinions from. If I don’t ask you, don’t give me your opinion. Keep your opinions to yourself. There is a reason I didn’t ask you for your opinion. Want to know why? Your opinions mean nothing to me. It’s my life, and I will do what I want. If you don’t like my decisions, feel free to escort yourself out of my life. 🙂

*RANT OVER*

*BREATHES IN*

In other news, I finished John Green’s The Fault In Our Stars last night. As I sat in bed sobbing at 1 am, I realized that I was in fact glad I had read the book. To summarize: (No spoilers, don’t worry)

Hazel Grace is a teenager who has cancer. She meets Augustus Waters (also a cancer patient) and her life changes in ways she never could have imagined.

I was reading this book because it was recommended to me by one of my now graduated seniors… and since I always try to keep up with what my students are reading, I gave it a shot. It is a well written book, with lots of dialogue and true emotional moments. The characters were quite loveable, and well constructed. If you get a chance this summer you should read it! 

Next book on the list: Jodi Picoult’s “The Storyteller”. I will let you know what I think when I finish it!

 

See you next time! #realtalk2014

The Glorification of Busy

This is a topic that has been on my mind all day today. (Disclaimer: To all of my friends who actually text/facebook message me. This post was not meant for you. I love hearing from you, and I encourage you to communicate more often. I know that when we are around each other we will make time to see each other, and that is all that matters to me! You guys mean the world to me, and I’m sorry distance keeps us from seeing each other as often as we would like to.) 

REAL TALK:

Ever since my wonderful husband and I have gotten married, all I have heard is “Enjoy that happy feeling now, because one day you won’t enjoy spending time with him.” When I hear this in conversation, I usually respond with “I would hope I always enjoy being around my husband. He is my best friend, and regardless of the romantic state of our relationship, I would like to think that I will always enjoy being around my best friend.” This exchange is usually met with “Oh, you’re just a newlywed, you don’t know. Things will change. You will get busy, and seeing your husband won’t even matter to you.”

I find this exchange interesting, because I am starting to see this “change” in my friendships outside of my marriage. In the last 6 months, I have noticed a drastic change in the way that my friendships operate. Instead of calling each other, we send facebook/text messages. These messages used to be sent all day, every day. At one point, my parents actually believed that I was “addicted” to my cell phone because I was texting my friends constantly.

Then….real life happened. Jobs, marriages, kids, and other relationships happened. Those friends that I was constantly in contact with suddenly dropped off the face of the earth. Instead of looking at my phone and receiving 100 texts a day, I am lucky to have 3 or 4 on any given day. What happened to all the communication I used to receive on a daily basis? This whole process leaves me to wonder “What happened to all of my friends?”

BUSY. BUSY is what happened! We get so wrapped up in our own world and in our own lives that we neglect the relationships we have worked on for years. We are BUSY running errands, BUSY working, BUSY paying bills, BUSY online, BUSY shopping, BUSY doing anything but maintaining meaningful relationships in our lives. Our computers/cell phones/ipads/electronics have become our best friends. These devices quickly replace our real best friends in life. When I text/Facebook/call my friends and hear “Oh, sorry, I’m too busy to talk to you right now.” I get offended. Seriously?!? You can’t send me a text when that Iphone hasn’t left your hand all day? You can’t respond to my facebook message because you are on Youtube? You can’t answer the phone because you are too busy playing Clash of Clans to want to talk to me? All I want to do is to find out how things are going in your life, and to talk to you like we used to.

We need to stop the glorification of busy, and get back to maintaining real relationships with real people. We need to understand that technology is wonderful, but only if you use it to COMMUNICATE with, and not to IGNORE the real people in your life. BUSY is not a reason to ignore the important people in your life. This is something I have struggled with since I became a teacher. I always want things at work to be perfect, and it stresses me out when things are not done correctly. So I stay late, go in early (I was at school by 6 AM multiple times this year, and usually I get home around 7-8 PM.) I miss out on connections I could have made with friends and family because I am always BUSY.

When I am busy, I feel better about myself. My self esteem goes up because I feel like I am contributing to the world in a positive way. However, I am also missing out on important relationships because I can’t stop being BUSY. I can’t just enjoy my life because I am always thinking “What needs to happen next?” This has impacted my friendships and my relationships with my family, and I AM DONE WITH IT!

So my goal from now on is to stop the “Glorification of Busy.” I am going to repair relationships that have suffered, I am going to relax this summer, and I am going to enjoy my life. I am not going to push my body to the point of exhaustion, and I am going to take better care of myself and my loved ones. I am going to enjoy being a wife, a sister, and a daughter. I am going to make friends that I see in real life, and I am going to step away and stop worrying about who is or isn’t texting me, or how long it has been since I have heard from my “friends.”

If you want to be my friend, I am ready to exchange meaningful life experiences for text messages! I am giving up digital friendships for those in real life.

Until next time friends!!!

Big and Small Thoughts

I suppose I should explain why I am creating this blog….

Through January and February of 2014, I was told by my sisters and friends that they enjoyed my thoughts  when I had “no filter.” This means that I just ramble off the first thing that comes to my mind, regardless of if it makes sense, is sarcastic, or will get me into trouble. My facebook statuses became a group of statuses with the label #realtalk2014. These statuses were usually accompanied by such statuses as…

“I always mean what I say… I just don’t always mean to say it out loud…”

 

or….

So I thought I would have a space on the internet that was all mine to explain my thoughts and words, and to entertain the masses.

The year of real talk is upon us! It’s time to settle in and enjoy the craziness! This blog will have personal posts (names changed, of course) posts about my thoughts on education, music, books, pop culture, and whatever else happens to pop into my head.

 

Stay tuned for the next helping of Real Talk 2014!